Friday, March 28, 2008
Hiya, Zhong Xuan here. Just wanted to post some funny jokes i found on my friend's senior's blog. enjoy x]
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 . Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Its Called ....... therapy
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Valentine's Day
Little Susie comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for sending someone a valentine?"
Susie's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to send a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to send Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then! ... he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Susie, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," says Susie. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
Essays
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
Actual quotes by dumb lawyers
1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
2. Q: What heppened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
19. Have you ever thought of committing unvoluntary manslaughter?
6:37 AM
